Therapy and Victimhood

With Arnold Schwarzenegger recently in the news for commenting on how therapy has ruined his chance to patch things up with his estranged wife Maria Shriver, I wanted to take the opportunity to talk about therapy.

As with most things, there is an upside and a downside with therapy.

While therapy will definitely help to understand the underlying issues of a more complex matter, often it’s also the cause to dwell on the feeling of being victimized. There are therapists who give action-oriented advice but some keep digging in the patients past in great detail to find more reasons as to why a person is the way she is. Therapy can definitely help to enlighten someone in terms of behavioral patterns but if it turns into an endless reasoning as to why we became the way we are and why it is so hard to change, then it’s quite counterproductive.

Often, when therapists do the latter, it turns people into neurotic self-conscious individuals, and it makes them feel even more as a victim of circumstances.

When something bad of a more serious matter has happened to a person, she might definitely benefit from getting out all her emotions and fears of a particular situation (i.e. rape, violent abuse), but at some point, one has to move on. How does it serve the victim to never trust anyone again, to deny herself the beauty of physical pleasure? Not only does that make the abuser win all over again, ultimately it’s a form of self-punishment for the victim.

This is just one example, where the wrong kind of therapy can keep a person in that mind-frame forever; that she is broken and incapable to move on.

There are many minor issues that lead people into that same kind of thinking. “…because when I was a child, my brother always stole my toys, therefore I have trust issues today.” That’s just one example to show how certain therapy methods create a form of codependency. In these kinds of cases the patient will come back for any little issue and stay in therapy for all the wrong reasons.

Some people end up believing they’re so screwed up that they can never let go and move on with their lives. Then therapy become merely a crutch to hold on to, to dwell in pain, to never take responsibility for one’s actions. In these cases people just find more and more reasons to blame the past for everything that goes wrong in the present. It makes them feel powerless and passive.

Most people didn’t grow up in a perfect environment but that shouldn’t mean that they can’t create a new, much more positive life for themselves. If one just focuses on all the baggage they carry, they will never be happy, because their awareness is constantly focused on their pains and the past.

It is very important to learn from the past, but if all current and future events are always seen through the eyes of the past it becomes a vicious circle

There is definitely a place for therapy but in my point of view, it’s only valuable if it leads to proactive positive changes.

The Uncensored Truth: Let’s Talk About Sex  by L.G. Erikson – now available on Amazon, Kobo, Barnes & Noble and iTunes.

Dating And Sex: When Politeness Hurts

Part of creating my blog was to address issues/topics that didn’t make it into my book. This is my first post of that nature.

There is a fine line between being polite and using politeness as an excuse to deal with people fairly when it comes to dating and sex.

Often, when people are dating, they feel a bit of a need to put on a show by presenting themselves in the best light. While it is totally fine to show off your best qualities and to be polite, the latter often turns out to be counterproductive and ultimately does more damage than good.

For instance, Apps like Tinder are supposedly for hookups only, and yet, people often misrepresent themselves by pretending to look for something more when in reality they only want to get laid. There are people on these websites/apps that do look for someone to date, but more often than not, they’re just pretending to do so.

Another issue that occurs often in dating is the tendency to hold on to someone for the wrong reasons. To clarify what I mean and how exactly this often plays out, I’m going to give you two different scenarios:

The lack of chemistry:

A girl and a guy go out on a date. She doesn’t really like him all that much, but she likes to be wined and dined and currently there’s no better option out there to date. In the following weeks, she keeps going out with him despite the fact that she’s not into him at all. Her reasoning for that is based on the hope that she might change her mind about him. He in turn believes he’ll have a shot with her if he only keeps it going. However, every time he’s trying to get closer to her physically, she acts coy as a way to keep him at a distance. Deep down she knows clearly that her feelings towards him will never change while it is pretty obvious that he has a thing for her. At this point she’s just stringing him along, feeding him hope with every further outing.

So why is she doing this? Because she convinced herself that in time, her feelings towards him will change? Is there anything he could do to change her mind?

No! If there is no chemistry from the beginning there never will be. She thought by trying she’s doing a good thing when in reality she’s just leading him on, whether it’s intentionally or not.

The misguided hookup:

Guy meets girl. They spontaneously hook up and it’s pretty obvious that isn’t really about dating at all. However, since he wants to appear as a nice guy he displays an interest in more than just a hookup after they had sex. In the following weeks he stays in touch, writes her nice texts, they meet frequently, hang out and have more sex. He even tells her that he loves her and then, all of a sudden, he starts stalling and finds ways to avoid seeing her. She doesn’t understand why, tries to make an effort to see him and while he keeps responding nicely to her texts, it won’t come to another meeting.

Now, what happened here? Did he initially like her and then grew tired of her? Did she do something to turn him off?

No! He wanted to come across like a nice guy,  and thought it’s the way to handle a situation that was never meant to be more than casual sex.

What do these two examples have in common?

False politeness!

There are ways to deal with these kinds of situations that don’t involve deliberately hurting someone. As the saying goes, it’s the tone makes the music.

The girl could have just gone on that first date and once she knew that she isn’t into him, she could have let him go. When he asked her on a second date, she could have responded with something like, “I had a great time with you but right now I’m not ready to date someone.” That way she didn’t hurt him by saying, “I’m not into you,” and he can let go off his hope that someday she’ll change her mind. If there’s no chemistry from the beginning there never will be. That doesn’t mean one has to act on chemistry, but it doesn’t grow. You can grow to love someone but not to be infatuated with somebody.

As for the guy in the second example, he should have taken a different path as well. There was no need to pretend to go down a potential relationship path if it’s clear from the beginning that it’s just casual sex. His behavior just created a lot of confusion. He should have just said, “Thank you for the beautiful night, or “I had a great time,” and never contact her again. That way she wouldn’t have gotten emotional attached to him.

I’m not suggesting that the girl from example one and the guy from example two acted the way they did because they had bad intentions. While in some cases people do these things for selfish reasons, often it’s simply done to appear nice.

It is exactly this kind of politeness that leads people to the wrong conclusions. It might even make them bitter in the future. The guy from example one might now think that all women just like to take advantage of guys (like getting free dinners) and in turn, he will become stingy and develop trust issues. The girl from example two might choose to not ever give a guy she had a hookup with a chance to get to know her, even if she would meet someone who genuinely likes her.

There is definitely a place for politeness, however I think in the dating scene it’s often misused for the wrong purpose.

The Uncensored Truth: Let’s Talk About Sex – now available on Amazon, Kobo, Barnes & Noble and iTunes.

.

Excerpt from my book

I’m currently running a 48 hour promo sales campaign on Amazon for 99 cents (ebook version). In order to give my potential readers a taste of my book I would like to share an excerpt from “The Uncensored Truth: Let’s Talk About Sex” with you. The following is a part of chapter 18:

TRUTH AND FICTION

Sexual compatibility:

People’s sexual desires are as unique as their personality traits. You’d be surprised how many people are way less “vanilla” (meaning ordinary) than you think. The shy guy you meet every day at the office might be the one who’s a foot fetishist, or the lady who works at the bank might be into autoerotic asphyxia (a practice where the person has an orgasm while being strangled in some form). You never know what really hides behind someone’s façade. You need to consider that when you get into a relationship with someone, there could be a lot of “dark secrets.” I use that term with great reluctance because it insinuates that it’s something negative. I do so because it’s a common phrase for hidden desires but in no way do I mean to berate anyone’s sexual preferences. It takes time to reveal certain things to a new partner. Aside from that, many people feel reluctant because they had a negative experience in the past when a partner didn’t take their “confession” so well. For a person to come forward with something a bit out of the ordinary, it often takes some guts and maybe a little time to build up enough confidence and trust to do so. When that happens (if your partner is brings it up), it’s best to keep an open mind and see if it’s something you might want to try out. Most importantly, don’t berate them in any form. Oftentimes these desires are not so far “out there,” meaning it could be something simple as a guy wanting his lady to wear a certain outfit, spank her, likes it a bit rough, or wants her to do more dirty talk. It goes without saying that it could be the other way around. You want something a bit more unique and you’re afraid to say it.

Here is my take on it: It’s definitely better to bring it up to find out if you’re sexually compatible. There are a lot of things people can try, but sometimes it might be too much of a stretch (for example if someone wants to be seriously hurt while having sex).

The same goes for a very different libido. For the most part, if you have the kind of incredible sex as discussed in this book, that shouldn’t be a problem because you’re in a sexual paradise but, in some cases, it could still be an issue. Let’s say one wants to have sex 4, 5 times a day, while the other can’t handle more than two, 3 times a week.

If the sexual preferences are very different and you can’t compromise in some form, I can pretty much guarantee you that the relationship will not work out. Unfortunately, people often end up dragging it out, sometimes for years, before the inevitable happens and they part ways.

I knew a couple where the woman was very “mainstream” sexually, while the man was rather exotic. He was into sex with transsexuals and transgender people and had a thing for very young women (he and his girlfriend were middle aged). He loved the BDSM scene, exotic porn, anything out of the ordinary – you name it. While he was a really nice guy and loved her, he was living a double life and had been for years and he knew that she could never deal with his secret. They loved each other very much but by chance (he was in the hospital and she went through his stuff to bring him clothes) she found out about it. Obviously she was deeply hurt, and he felt very embarrassed. Ultimately it resulted in a break up. One can argue if they couldn’t have saved years by being more open with each other, and ultimately prevented a lot of pain, as a breakup is always inevitably harder the longer you’re together. I think it’s never smart to let it come that far, because eventually it will come out, one way or another. The hard truth is that one can’t suppress their true nature forever, no matter how much they love their partner.

While there are a lot of things people can try if they keep an open mind to make it work, some things are just not doable. For those who are in such a situation, whether you suspect it with your partner or you’re the one who’s carrying around a dark secret, try to approach the subject with your partner in a subtle, understanding way. Signal that you’re okay with talking about it. Yes, it will take a lot of guts to bring it up, but never forget that your partner loves you. Hopefully, they will react in a way that reflects their love. If not, it just adds to the fact that you’re partnership was not meant to be. As long as these conversations are handled with dignity, respect, and love, it should be fine whether you want to try and experiment with whatever the fantasy or preference or not and it’s the end of the road for the two of you.

_____________________________________________

DivisonHouse Publishing

The Uncensored Truth: Let’s Talk About Sex

L.G. Erikson

© by L.G. Erikson. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form by any means without the permission of the author. This includes reprints, excerpts, photocopying, recording or any future means of reproducing text.

If you would like to do any of the above, please seek permission by contacting us at:

letstalkaboutsexthebook@gmail.com

www.amazon.com/Uncensored-Truth-Lets-Talk-About-ebook/dp/B00U3CRPM6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1425409263&sr=8-1&keywords=the+uncensored+truth%3A+let%27s+talk+about+sex

A New Take on Sexuality

I’d like to take a moment to introduce my new book The Uncensored Truth: Let’s Talk About Sex to the world and talk a bit about the background of its development.

Like many people, I’ve read a lot of articles, blog posts and books on the nature of sexuality. Commonly we do this to satisfy our curiosity, to see if there’s something we don’t know, or to find new inspiration on how to enhance our sex life.

One thing a lot of these books/articles/blog posts seem to have in common is pointing out the differences between the genders, and how to overcome them. This raised a lot of questions in my mind. Are these so-called differences really the reason for our troubles in the bedroom?

Being very inquisitive by nature, I started to have a lot of conversations with men and women about sex, relationships and human behavior in general.

I’ve met people from all kinds of social backgrounds and eventually, I came to an important conclusion. The main problem is not the differences between the genders but the lack of communicating all aspects of sexuality in a real kind of way, without sugarcoating everything.

Our society doesn’t really address the real issues, mainly because we’ve learned to become very good at using what is called “white lies” to cover up anything that could potentially hurt someone. I have a different take on this: what one has to say shouldn’t be the issue; it’s how you say it, that’s what matters.

I will give you a simple example to show how that could work:

A couple is getting ready to go to an event. The woman asks the man if he likes her outfit. Unfortunately, it’s not very flattering. Now, often that leads him to just say, “no, you look good,” and she doesn’t change her outfit. But why couldn’t he say it in a positive way if the outfit doesn’t look good at all? Let’s say the shape is awful and unflattering, but the color looks good on her. He could say something like this: “Honey, I love the color on you, it looks very good with your skin tone, but the design is not a good fit for you.”

That’s just a very general example of how we could handle “tricky” situations. Same goes for sex. If we avoid addressing desires we have, or sexual boredom, it just leads to bigger problems. Another thing often not addressed is the importance of sex in relationships. Society labeled it a taboo to even admit how important sex is in a relationship. One has to be friends above all. While that is important, it’s a fatal mistake to base your romantic relationship on that.

Let’s get to the key element, the one that is so often blamed for our miscommunication and problems with our sexuality: Are men and women really that different?

I don’t think that’s true at all. All the literature out there that has made such a big effort to close the so-called gap between the genders just made them drift apart even more. If anything, they reinforced the belief that we are incapable of understanding each other. No one is born with stereotypes in their head. Almost every aspect of male/female issues is rooted in our upbringing. That develops gradually, while you grow up. It was very important for me to break that down in my book, to show my reader that any differences we might have in our nature are related to our personalities, not our gender.

Another reason that motivated me to write this book were sexual taboos; and I realized something else: The role of sexuality in our lives is grossly misconstrued. In fact, most people have no idea what mind-blowing sex really is.

In my research, I came across a lot of interesting, juicy stories about sexual encounters, and I used them to give my readers a very clear picture of  mind-blowing sex. What is difference between “normal” sex and mind-blowing sex?

I’m gonna sum this up with a quote from my book:

When people have “normal” sex, they’re in their own world during the act; when people have mind-blowing sex it’s about merging these two worlds into one.

How do you do that? All of that is explained in my book in great detail.

One of my friends called it “the encyclopedia of sex,” after reading it. It was my vision to write a book that serves as a true eye-opener in every aspect regarding sex, a book that doesn’t shy away from any topic. I wanted it to suit any kind of scenario – from relationships to one-night-stands.  It was my greatest desire to liberate and empower my readers, to give them straightforward insights in ways never done before.

http://www.amazon.com/Uncensored-Truth-Lets-Talk-About-ebook/dp/B00U3CRPM6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1425409263&sr=8-1&keywords=the+uncensored+truth%3A+let%27s+talk+about+sex

Newly released book

I’ve written and published my first book

“The Uncensored Truth: Let’s Talk About Sex”

Book description:

What exactly is mind-blowing sex? Are women and men really that different? Why is sex so important for our well-being?

The author fearlessly explains in juicy details what it takes — for anyone — to experience real sexual bliss. “Let’s Talk About Sex” gives you an unprecedented insight into the nature of sexuality from every possible angle. Packed with loads of information and highly entertaining stories we learn how to discover our true nature. Whether you’re in a relationship or into one night stands, this book has something for everyone.

In a refreshingly straightforward language, the author tackles social and sexual taboos and encourages all readers to truly become themselves.

A bold, fascinating, and empowering read that will make you rethink everything you’ve learned about sex.

Blurb:
“No matter your age, every man’s dream is in this book! Finally, I understand
what most women are really thinking about and during sex. A great read at any age!”

— Jack Peterson
Author of the bestseller “Balance of Power” and “A Thin Place”

Now on sale:

http://www.amazon.com/Uncensored-Truth-Lets-Talk-About-ebook/dp/B00U3CRPM6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1425409263&sr=8-1&keywords=the+uncensored+truth%3A+let%27s+talk+about+sex